A return to normalcy, revised

It's been almost a year since I wrote anything in this forum. I'd like to say it was due to my busy, "too cool for this" new California lifestyle. But that's just not true. I guess I was embarrassed by some of the content in the last posts I'd made. I really laid myself out there; the insecurities of facing huge new challenges, the risks I was taking with the best group of friends I could ask for. And part of me didn't want to have to revisit those thoughts now. I never wanted to go back and delete them either, because that's just not me. I like to think of myself as someone genuine and transparent, for better or worse. Accept me or don't.

I think I'm finally settled enough here to see some of the results of these insecurities, and they've worked out okay. And for that, maybe I'm back.

Clearly this has been a move that we're happy about. It's tough meeting new people and we miss our friends, but we have each other a small social group and a ton of fun things to do.

In the last year, Ryan and Patricia have been expecting, Justin and Liz got engaged, the Skins made the playoffs, the Caps became a national phenomenon, I started playing ice hockey, and a bunch of other things have started to happen.

We're healthier than ever.

We're having more fun than ever.

I've had the reassurance that I chose that right profession and feel very competent already.

Christine has hit her stride professionally.

And just a bunch more.

I'm really excited to go back East and catch up with friends and family. Two weeks is going to fly by so quickly but it's time to reconnect. I've been very impressed with the ability to stay in close communication with the guys in the last year, but we need some good old fashioned fun.

I'll post more, with better content, soon. I have boards to study for and if it's 87 degrees out in the sun, the shade right now should be just about perfect.

Hollow Bean Beach

...along Pacific Coastal Highway.

peace

I can't believe I live here.

It was warm today. 88 degrees, though not humid. Really, it was a heat that scorched the top of your head or your seat, but otherwise left you alone.

Our stuff is coming tomorrow so after taking the morning for business, I grabbed a bite with Paul at the Crepes restaurant a block away, then decided to finish my book while he went into the city.

I walked into Burgess Park, about 5 minutes away. I've mentioned it to my friends as a place perfect for soccer. Well, it's being renovated. Half of it is brand new sod. The other half, well, let's call that new-ish sod. I'd pay to play on either. Fortunately, soon I won't have to. There are full baseball fields and little league sized baseball fields, tennis courts, playgrounds, open space for reading/lounging/frisbee, benches everywhere, and--welcome to california--a skate park that unbelievably sits with mild use. I'd be tempted to take my rollerblades out there tomorrow, but I'm too old to handle a 1o ft drop right now. Wrists are fun to be able to use. There is also a huge pool complex with a kiddy pool, general use pool, and lap pool. They have waterpolo teams apparently as well. The pool is no longer the city's, however, so that costs some money.

Anyhow, I read my book in the sunshine and caught a few rays in the meantime. The train was drowned out by my iPod. Some of the chatter and laughter from the pool, fortunately, was not. An old stoner/hippie strummed his guitar in the shade just beyond earshot.

The walk home was peaceful. The air was warm and smelled like whatever flower I was passing by at the time, none of which I know except for the honeysuckles that are everywhere. The windows to my apartment are open, a crossbreeze is flowing by, and I think it's time for a sandwich.

I'll post some pics once I get my camera back. In the meantime, look for me on myspace. I think I'm finally succumbing.

easy hello

It's 9:30pm now, or so my computer says. It is sunny and feels an odd degree of hot despite an objective 73 degrees with no trace of humidity. The flight was a turbulent one, and though I try to neglect a certain dramatic sense of foreshadowing, apparently I have failed.

The apartment is very clean, smaller than I recall, and hints somewhat of the house I have been reading about in Upton Sinclair's, "The Jungle". (For those who have not yet read the book, the house is one sold as "new" over and over again, all the while creating situations where new owners cannot afford it. The house becomes "new" again with simple repairs and a heavy dose of fresh paint). That book in itself may be shaping my mood somewhat, it being a novel of misfortune great enough to incite depression in its readers.

Paul (brother-in-law) and I arrived on time after about 9 hours of travel, did the apartment paperwork, then hit Target and Safeway for the basics. We stopped for some gourmet Jack In The Box. We learned a few valuable lessons: don't try the sweet and sour sauce, and don't try the sirloin burger. At Safeway, things really turned upwards. I looked down several aisles of wines, mostly local, and found many great bottles from a very wonderful last year of my life. I repurchased Honig Sauv Blanc (honeymoon), Chateau St. Michelle Merlot (graduation dinner at The Capital Grille), and the easy to find Copolla Merlot (dad brought it when he came to visit our apt for the first time).

And now I sit in a mostly empty apartment. All I hear is the hum of the refridgerator, a gentle breeze through the curtains, and the ruinous clacking of my keyboard. And I am beat.

But there is a bottle of wine chilling in the fridge, I have a mostly free day ahead of me tomorrow, I have the security of a great support network, and--slowly but surely--this ride has officially begun.

Perhaps now it's time to change my computer clock to 6:30pm...

tough goodbye

Well it's 11:30pm. I leave in 8 hours. I just said goodbye to all my closest friends, minus Justin. For the first time I feel something less than positive about the move. I don't quite know how to classify it, but it's in the ballpark of fear. At its least, it can be called a moment of hesitation. I see clearly now that I am gambling personal preference of climate and adventure against great relationships. My very best friends--relationships earned over time through periods of turmoil, growth, and a youthful exuberance that just cannot be recreated--they are now in a place where we need to try and sustain our friendships through longterm communication and rare, expensive, and strenuous travel. And that's something I willfully did.

I gambled with my best friendships, and unless I return in a few years, they will be forever changed.

I am heartbroken. Excited also somewhere within, but deep down, I am very very sad right now.

I expect the next few months to be a kaleidoscope of these emotions, especially with these friends making such genuine efforts to come and visit. These visits, of course, will slow in frequency over time, and again I will feel like I do now.

Ryan, Neil, Marty, Justin, Jimmy...thanks. Maryland just wasn't for me. I don't know how else to explain it, but I just need to do this or I'll always regret it.

Ryan: carbombs + wooden blocks, sleeping under juanita, and "Shots On Goal".
Neil: minigolf in the halls, miss piggy mugs, and the albatross.
Marty: battery-powered calendars, koosh basketball, and "I've got a question for you".
Justin: head first in the trashcan, banana blitz, 26.2, and Maggie Moore's FC (champions).
Jimmy: basement pingpong, miller's hand = jimmy's hair, when you almost got stabbed at my bachelor party.

Alas, here I go......

For better or worse, here I go.

End of the road, top of the world

I am on top of my world. I have achieved my life's grandest of pursuits over a ten year stretch, and along the road have collected wonderful relationships and experiences. I am very lucky.

This was not something I did on my own, but rather because of people like you.

I'd like to thank:

*Christine --

For being there from the beginning. When we met, I was a schmuck struggling to prep for the MCAT. I talked a big game, but made my insecurities just as visible. She didn't care if I became a doctor, a lab tech, a teacher, a psychologist, or whatever. She made me laugh and feel secure through med school rejection letters. She made me laugh and feel secure through biochemistry exams. She makes me laugh and feel secure today. And now, when I feel I can do anything this world has to offer, I possess a confidence that comes from her. Even if I were to fail, she'd be just as proud. I never have anything to lose. Marrying her was the best decision I've made in this whole process, and the memories we create everyday are far more satisfying than any achievement I could ever attain on my own.

*Neil, Ryan, Marty, Justin --

Talk about the beginning. Justin was there when I was terrorizing him at 12 months old. Marty, from eighth grade. Neil and Ryan, from freshman year of college. The greatest group of friends ever. These guys picked me up when everything was shades of gray and I couldn't fight anything but myself; the brief period when I became a man. Their kindness in those days--when I can't say I would have stuck around for the chaos myself--clearly made later achievements like this possible. Besides my wife, I will always choose to hang out with these guys above anyone else. Adulthood does funny things to friendships. People are getting married, moving away, having kids, building homes; and it really adds to the dynamics' degree of difficulty, but whenever we find the time, it always feels like college again, and it is easy to forget the time that has forged its way in between. Special additions for people like Jimmy--who has become a great friend the last few years; Harish-- a partner in crime who tells me my vices are okay, and with whom I have the greatest banter of random sports minutiae; Andre-- who, wonderfully, has found his way back into my life. Great friends are a blessing. Letting them slip away by time or circumstance is unconscienable.

*Family--

This group always believed in me, almost to a fault. The complexity of the road, of the struggle, of its intensity, was never really well understood. But they just always believed that I would get the job done. That I would figure it out. Having people who love and believe in you so blindly creates a challenge in itself. If you fail, you are not just failing yourself, but rather shattering an image of infallibility that others hold of you. Honestly, family has been one of the biggest struggles I've had in this pursuit, but ultimately I'd much rather deal with misinformation, misunderstanding, and general neglect of detail than ever have to feel there was reason not to believe in myself; to feel someone I loved thought I could not achieve. And that was never something I had to wrestle with.

*Mentors--

Namely, Dr. Jones, Dr. Perez; and also the help of Dr. Lehman, Dr. Foxwell, and Dr. Regenold. They led by example; provided leadership, support, and advice; and in some cases had direct contact with Dr. Louie, the training director at San Mateo, who I fully expect will be my next great mentor. Dr. Jones makes me want to work with children. Dr. Perez gives me hope that you can have a career dealing with misfortune without permanent personal difficulites. Dr. Lehman and Dr. Foxwell threw their weight around on my behalf and showed great kindness despite huge power differences in our relationship. Dr. Regenold helped me get into Med School, perhaps the biggest challenge of all.

*Luck--

Couldn't have done it without a little luck. Guessing the correct options on a few exams. Meeting the right people at the right time. Luck has an immeasurable impact on each of our lives and I understand that without a healthy dose of it, I could still be the guy with the BA in Psychology trying to get into med school.

So thanks, if you're apart of this list or if you're not. Everyone has had an impact. I couldn't be happier with how things have shaped up in my life, nor could I be happier about the prospects of my future. I hope to be a doctor that remains grounded and compassionate with the same friends who got me here. I hope to help others as I have been helped along the way. And I hope to really make a difference in the lives of children while living a life of personal fulfillment and inspiration. And I wish to you the same.

willow manor

(1)Small, not super clean pool

(2)Our unit would be the bottom but on the other side

(3)View of living room and hall from front door.

(4)View from living room. Note sliding glass door and dining space adjacent to kitchen.

(5)View from dining space; clean appliances

(6)Awkward angle of walk-in closet



(7)Part of master bedroom from hall

(8)Parts of bathroom and 2nd bedroom from hall

(9)Fuzzy view of storage space in carport