Internet Scam, part 10: impatience

So now I'm getting strung-out junkie IMs from you folk demanding to know what's going on with Bill. Bill is fine, I'm sure. We tracked down his IP address to the Netherlands. What good does that do? Well, nothing yet, but it's good to know...and helps explain the horrendous spelling and grammar.

Anyhow, I got antsy and sent Bill an urgent email:

"Bill,

I have another offer on the desk. When will this check be here? I am going to be leaving in 2 weeks to teach a seminar on assault rifle technology. I need to know that it's on its way.

Thanks again,
Jeremy"


Too over the top? Yeah, maybe, but now I'm really antsy...

Internet Scam, Part 9: sweet vengeance

So Bill is sending me my check.
I want to send Bill a copy of the money I'm "forwarding" to his "shipper". Really, I just want to give him a computer virus.

If anyone knows how, or has a better idea, please either respond here, or IM me at 'jaaaarome07'. The font looks weird but that's a zero, not the letter O.

My first thought is to get a virus--without infecting myself, of course--and embedding it into that scan. I don't know how to do this, of course. Hit me up with ideas.

Let's do it, people!

Internet Scam, part 8: jerm aka Pious J

I would also like to point out that I tried to phone several government fraud agencies yesterday afternoon. The braintrusts behind our tax dollars has apparently decided that fraud must only occur M-F, 9am-5pm.

Thanks for having my back, Uncle Sam.

No, no, really, it's cool. Let's let him take my money and get away so he do it to others. You just have yourselves a nice weekend....


My response to Benevolent Bill:
"Sure, Bill.

I should be here all week, except for when I have to run errands or go to church. I'll let you know when it gets here. Please let me know if there's anything else I can do for you.

Sincerely,
Jeremy"


I mean, dude must have some inkling I'm fucking with him, right?
At least just a bit?
Come on.


I can't wait to see this check. $5 says the check is from Western Onion...

Internet Scam, part 7

For those who don't understand this scam, I figured now would be a good time to explain it.
It's a variation of one of the most common sales transactions scams ever known: the fake check scam. Essentially, the thief sends excess money for shipping. The mark is placed in a "trusted" role to send that excess amount of money to the shipper on the same day. Of course the check/money order is fraudulent and it takes several days for the bank to find out. Meanwhile, the mark has sent money from his/her account to the "shipper". When the check bounces, the mark is out of the money, he/she sent to the shipper.

So, me being the mark, I would lose $2300 if I was as dumb as I look. Wait....nevermind.

Time for a response...

Internet Scam, part 6: "in God we trust"

Bill isn't one for picking up subtle irony.
He just responded.




Loudly.




Good thing we've got trust.




"HELLO,
THANKS FOR THE UNDERSTANDING YOU HAVE RENDER IN THIS TRANSACTION, I SPOKE WITH WITH MY CLIENT REGARDING THE CHECK AND HE SAID HIS BANK HAS ISSUED THE CHECK OUT TO YOUR LOCATION,HE ALSO STATED TRUST BUT I TOLD HIM U ARE A TRUSTWORTHY PERSON AND A PERSON WE CAN RELY ON.HE ALSO STATED IN PHONE CONVERSATION THE EXCESS FUNDS YOU ARE MEANT TO WIRED WILL BE SEND TO OUR SHIPPER THAT HE WILL COME FOR PICKUP AT YOUR
LOCATION.AS SOON AS POSIBLE.HOPE THIS IS UNDERSTANDABLE WITH YOU?. JEREMY,I WILL LIKE YOU HOLD ON FOR THE CHECK,YOU WILL GET IT PROBABLYNEXT WEEK BY THE SPECIAL GRACE OF GOD AND IF YOU ARE NOT GOING TO BE AT HOME FOR THE DELIVERY OF THE CHECK I WILL LIKE YOU TO STATION SOMEONEFOR THE DELIVERY OF THE CHECK.AND ALSO I WILL LIKE YOU TO DEDUCTTHE NECCESSARY EXPENSES FROM IT,LIKE THE COST OF CASHING THE CHECKTHE COST OF WIRING THE EXCESS FUNDS TO MY SHIPPER,OK?. IF YOU KNOW YOU CANT DO IT LIKE THAT KINDLY LET ME KNOW ,SO THAT I CAN CALL MY CLIENT TO HOLD ON TO THE CHECK. BECAUSE MY SHIIPPING AGENT IN WILL BE EXPECTING PAYMENT ON THE SAME DAY YOU WILL RECIEVE THE CHECK,AND I DONT WANT ANY MISUNDERSTANDING. SO LET ME KNOW IF YOU CAN DO THE BUSINESS LIKE THAT. MAIL ME AS SOON AS POSSIBLE,TO KNOW YOUR OWN SIDE OF IT,OK?.THANK YOU AND HAVE A NICE DAY.

REGARDS
BILL"


Well at least the "regards" is back. I love a polite thief....

Internet Scam, part 5

Our reply:

"Sounds good. I'll let you know when the money and shipping instructions get here.
I'm not sure how to expect them. So they're coming together? And is this in the mail or fedex or what?

By the way, I've never sold anything over the internet before. Thanks for being so accessible and helpful!

Talk to you soon.
Jeremy"

Oh sweet, Jesus.
This is going to be so much fun.
Now if I could only find someone to buy my desk...

Internet Scam, part 4

I send Bill my info.
Everything.
Bank #s, credit cards, SSN, everything.



















Because I'm as stupid as you are gullible.

























I send Bill my shipping info. I then file an internet fraud report with the internet fraud commission. And good news...
Bill is on the ball, with punctuation improving every second that he thinks he's getting richer. Well, except of course for the longest run-on sentence ever in internet fraud history.

"Greetings,
Thanks for the reply and the information you sent.
Concerning payment I have just called my friend now and he has said he'd be sending a money order of $2850 to your contact address in which you will remove the asking price $450 after cashing it in a local check cashing point or in any western union outlet and an extra $100 for your running around and then wire the balance to the shipper via western union money transfer that he will use for all his flight charges and for the insurance of the shipment when being shipped. I hope I can trust you on this? So you will be getting the money order this week,The information of the shipper will probably be sent alongside the money order. I will notify you if he has sent it. Looking forward to completing this transaction w/ you.
Get back to me asap.
BILL"


What, Bill, no "regards" this time? Greedy fucker.
How dumb do you think I am?
I shouldn't have replied for a day and then wrote, "Sorry for the late response. I was busy playing 3 card monty. I can't believe how dumb I can be sometimes."

But I didn't.
I joined forces with Harish, which I contend is a friendship built for this sole experience (which means our time together is almost over, buddy).
We hashed out the details and responded simply, with just a small addition of irony.
Of course Bill would never see our transparently playful act with his greedy eyes on my loan money...

Internet Scam, part 3

Good news! Our friend Bill is quite accessible, and quickly emails me back.

"Hey,
Everything sounds well and am okay with the prize $250.
l will offeryou $450 to keep all the buyers away. I have a friend who is ready to issue you a certified money order since I don't have the funds inyour currency. For convinient and easy shipping, I have a liable shipping agent who'd be responsible for the shipping as soon as you receive payment . I will therefore need the following information ofyours to forward to my client before he sends the money order......NAME IN FULL........ADDRESS IN FULLCOUNTRY..........ZIPCODE........CELL/OFFICE/HOME PHONE NUMBER.......
Waiting to hear from you
Regards
BILL"

Okay, so now this guy is doubling my asking price voluntarily before he ships it to the UK? Now I was putting it at a 70% scam. I do a little reading up on internet scams just to be sharp. But still, in fairness, even though about a thumbnail's worth of this adds up, I don't really have anything to lose. He can have my address. The whole world can. As long as you're not going to come and rob me. And....um....I'm hoping Bill doesn't. So I reply....

Internet Scam, part 2

So I write the guy back:

"Hi,

Sorry to not send you all requested information in full. I have some questions first.
My asking price is still $250 USD, but I'm not sure how it would ship. It's quite large and heavy, and not easily disassembled.
The desk is 6 feet in each direction of the L-shape. It probably weighs over 100 pounds.
If your client is still interested, please let me know. I will take a picture and send it to you with my information.
Please let me know how you would like it shipped and if you would need it disassembled. Of course, I still have the manuals, including assembly instructions.

Thanks,
Jeremy"


Now keep in mind that I'm not feeling good about this, but I don't see the harm in seeing how this pans out. Curiosity kills the cat, it's said, but what happens to the noncurious ones? They die without mention....

Internet scam, part 1

So the Spring Break thing will be completed later.
Some of you know that I've been trying to sell my desk. It's a 6'X6' L-desk with a hutch. It's pretty massive, and terribly heavy. We won't really have room for it when we move so I put it up on craigslist.

Almost immediately, I get the following email from Bill Clawson from a yahoo account:
"Hello.
i am interested in buying it. I riside in UK,I will beresponsible for the shippment down to my location, so please kindly write me back with your last offering price.I will also need some ofits recent pics, .I am Looking forward to your soonest reply I will therefore need the following information of yours to forward to myclient before he sends a check......NAME IN FULL........ADDRESS IN FULLCOUNTRY..........ZIPCODE........CELL/OFFICE/HOME PHONE NUMBER.......
Waiting to hear from you
Regards
BILL"

So I think, hmmm, this is weird. Why would a guy in the UK want my desk when he can buy it for a few hundred more than I'm selling it? This has to be a mistake. Or maybe he's just an idiot. So I write him back....

"i'll have the pancakes in the age of enlightenment"

vegas...coming soon

my design would have had a lady figure on each arm 

...i'd guess about 25 ft... 

sin city, you say? looks pretty peaceful to me 

fadslkfjavaldfhafkjahfd ave was next 

gotta love this state 

The Day the Price Was Wrong

This was a big part of our trip out west. People have been asking so here goes...

We arrived at the studios a few minutes after 8am. We weren't all that worried about being a couple minutes late because the tickets said priority seating starts at 8. We were all set. Our shirts read UMB Medicine, UMBC, and neil's buddha with something like "rub my belly for good luck". We had our fake TV personalities and were each prepared to go win a bajillion dollars. There were only about 10 people in line but taping didn't begin until 2:30pm. We sent Justin out to get in line anyways while we found parking. He calls us and says that these people are in line for TOMORROW! That today's people had all camped out and were already taken in. So we were kind of dumbstruck, and pretty pissed, dropping F-bombs that we woke up at such an early hour. But then it got interesting. People started showing up from around the country in their retarded, "i'm gay for bob" shirts. Too late was not good enough for some, as a few people had just flown in that morning to get on the special episode. Just imagine the senior citizen/red state fury that one usually only sees when it comes to supporting some eccentric Bush crusade, like trying to prevent baby female seals from weaning. "No to gay incestuous pedophile seals!" with a $100 billion backing...but I digress. So people were throwing their shirts at the poor bastard attendant. Pretty good stuff, even for tv.

But what about the tickets, everyone asks. Well let's just say we learned an LA lesson that only casting couch directors and the Governator can avoid: it may look and feel real, but that don't mean you're getting in.

So in a fitting end to a gray LA experience; unsatisfied, we rode off into the desert in search of neon strippers and midnight buffets.


Trent: They're gonna give daddy the Rain Man suite! You dig that? We're going to Vegas, Mike.
Trent, Mike: VEGAS!
Mike: You think we'll get there by midnight?
Trent: Honey, we're gonna be up five hundy by midnight!
Trent, Mike: VEGAS, BABY! VEGAS!