Women

I'll be careful here. I could end up 3 days older with 50,000 words and an inkling of carpal tunnel. Or I could end up very very single. So I'll avoid the elephant in the room (DO NOT MISCONSTRUE THAT STATEMENT!!!), and just point out a discussion.

Christine. She needs a nickname for the blog...something like the The Miller Girl (TMG), but from time to time (in particularly times like this) she may morph into the jerminator.

Anyhow, she got new glasses. Very cute frames. Not overly impressed with the funky attachment thingies on the sides. Maybe I'll grow accustomed to them. Maybe she'll put them down and be unable to find them (hell, why do you think she wears glasses in the first place?). Bottom line: I like them, they're different, but so is she and that's what makes her special.

Like most things, if I'm not floored with the new accessory, then she deems either it sucks or I do.

Most of you know of my Tiburon experience (I was surfing off the coast of Cabo...I wish). Alas, the Tiburon is a Korean car. One drove past us yesterday and this is what I got:

"How come you like funky attachments on cars but not eyeglasses?"


I want you to take a moment here. It's easy to read through these things fast, but let this one sink in.


"How come you like funky attachments on cars but not eyeglasses?"








What?!


Think buildings imploding in perfect harmony.
This is the moment that joins nonsingle men together for sundays of football, beer softball, tinkering in the garage, and very very dark bars.

"The lights on backs of cars remind me of eyes. And the stuff all around them reminds me of eyeglasses. And the Tiburon has funky attachments...."

You visualize what would happen if you just disappeared instantly. You put your fingers in your ears to keep your brain from leaking out. You go to your happy place.

And at this point, I know I'm screwed. My genes are bankrupt of having any capacity to not make things go sour. If I speak, it's in incomprehensible utterances, of which she gets the main message, ultimately being, "Icepick me in the eyeball! Do it now! It's an eyeglass frame design. My opinion is valid for the 2 seconds it takes until I get distracted by thoughts of power tools or things with balls and violence. Then I forget about it until you make comparisons with flashy low end sports cars...which, by the way, arghhhhhhhh!" If I don't speak, then I may as well just be standoffish about how much I hate the glasses.


"Because the Tiburon is a Korean car, and it looks like the eyes are slanty"


I think I deemed it impossible to intentionally swallow my tongue in the next 5 seconds. The things you'd do for an on-demand seizure disorder sometimes...

But just like that, it was over. Your head's still a little light. You're not entirely sure if the coast is clear, so you play it cool for a couple mins, say something nice about [insert clothing item not related to article of current discussion here], and hope to God you don't see anymore slanty-lighted cars for the rest of the day. You then get several hour of normalcy. You rediscover everything wonderful about this person that you've chosen to spend your life with. You made it through your day with minimal casualties in this crazy crazy minefield many of us walk everyday.

Good Lord.

Women.

I might only have one week of life left

Maya's turning "twelve x two" this week. Sister sent out an evite for the party next weekend. Black/white affair ("no ROY G BIV"). First of all, how can you not love a party invitation that stomps the virtues of man's ability to differentiate based on wavelength? But more of an issue is my kneejerk response:

"No ROY G BIV...Well I normally avoid gatherings that exlude the colored, but for Maya I just have to make an exception. HAPPY 24!"

Now if you don't know me, that could be pretty offensive. Since most of you aren't just bored strangers reading my blog randomly, I assume you do, and you know that I make fun of anything and everything. The trick is saying something that makes people's eyebrows start to raise before they realize that they're already laughing.

Did I go too far this time...probably not. I think it's more my own insecurities about being perceived as racist by black people, something that a lot of white people deal with and no one really discusses. Hell, it's a touchy world, and it was all the moreso when we were in our formative years, but being strictly PC-friendly when there's really no hate in your heart....well, that just makes you fearful and boring.

So in Carrie Bradshaw style, I ask (and use her voice here when you read this...it works)...when does being too comfortable with race relations put you at risk of being perceived as culturally insensitive?

Obviously there's no cut and dry answer to this type of question, but it was on my mind. Comment with thoughts.

Oh, and I think marrying someone of another race (even if only half so) should permanently exclude people from being accused of racism. Sure, there are people whose hate is more categorical than that, but really, do I have that kind of time?!

Friday night saltine challenge

Those who know us well have seen a number of stupid challenges attempted over the years. Some are easy. Some are impossible. Some are safe. Others make Ryan puke for a solid night. Normally the payout is in the range of $5-10, and normally someone gets it done. In that spirit, via phone, I offered Ryan $10 if he could eat 4 saltine crackers in 60 seconds without drinking anything. He called me an idiot, picked up crackers on the way home, and thought of all the ways he could spend my ten dollars (this may or may not be my own conjecture). PLC (Dr. Craun) decided to stand by reason instead of her man, and agreed to film the event for me. They called when it was going down, she gave Christine and I the play by play via speakerphone, and let's just say my 10 GWs aren't going anywhere. If anyone wants the videos, hit me up with an IM or email (jwilk001@umaryland.edu).

the face of salty defeat 

Excellent

Harish sent me this link:
http://www.overheardinnewyork.com/


This fits in nicely with the last post. Enjoy.